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So you want to know all the negative effects of self love, before diving into exercises and practices for mastering self love? I would do too. But as we know, everything is relative. Right?
On one hand, what negative effects of self love could possibly exist if self love is generally considered so healthy and beneficial? On the other hand, there are some self love effects that no one actually talks about.
For example, what if self love is actually something selfish? Or what if self love is not good for you?
Anyway, you might want to learn all about it right now so there is no surprise later. And it is up to you to decide if these things that we are going to talk about, are going to deter you or boost your perseverance to explore self love.
(SPOILER: you WANT these negative effects of self love in your life)
This post is all about the negative effects of self love.
🤔 Is Self Love Being Selfish?
Here we go.
This is where this whole journey of misconception starts.
Some people believe that self love is not caring about anyone else apart from yourself. It’s not true.
The answer is NO, self love is not selfish.
Let’s figure out why.
💕 What Is Self Love?
Simply put, self love is acknowledging and appreciating the value of yourself.
It is the act of putting yourself first. It is accepting yourself, and being proud of your achievements. It’s also treating yourself with kindness and compassion.
Overall, it is caring about your well-being and happiness.
Self love is a healthy mentality. Extremely beneficial, too (not only for you but also for all the people around you).
Examples:
- Denying a friend’s dinner invitation because you decided to dedicate some time to yourself (and this is absolutely OK)
- Not beating yourself up for a mistake but acknowledging all your efforts (and learning from it, of course)
- Quitting a toxic conversation if it makes you uncomfortable, instead of participating because everyone else is (keep reading for the consequences of this)
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👑 What Is Selfishness?
I was curious to see what other people say about this. One of the Google searches gave me this:
“A selfish person is one who puts their own needs first.”
And it is SO wrong. If you don’t put your own needs first, then who will?
I would correct that definition a bit, and say it this way instead:
“A selfish person is one who ONLY cares about their own needs.” Even if it causes pain to someone.
A selfish person is very much concerned for their own advantage, regardless of others.
In other words, things always have to be their way. They are usually pretty manipulative too.
Examples:
- Never sharing anything, never giving anything (charity, teaching — whatever it is, maybe advice sometimes but just as a validation of their own importance)
- Having more like a monologue kind of thing while actually in a conversation with someone and just waiting for their companion to finish to start talking ASAP (these are the worst)
- Bringing others down by commenting on their appearance to build themselves up (ew)
❓ How Is Self Love Different From Being Selfish?
Remember what they tell you on a plane when they instruct on what to do in case of turbulence? Right. You put the mask on yourself FIRST. No matter what.
Because if you are not OK, you cannot help anyone. You cannot even help yourself.
Can you say that it is selfish to love someone? Is it selfish to love your boyfriend? Is it selfish to love your best friend? How about your mom?
Do you recognize their talents? Do you accept their flaws? Are you being kind to them? And all other kinds of things that we do to people when we love them?
Now, do they do the same things to you? Don’t you feel supported and appreciated, when they do? Don’t you think it would feel even more amazing coming from yourself?
It is never selfish to love someone and be kind to them.
So how is it ever different when it comes to you? Why loving yourself should be considered selfish?
You are the ONLY person that you are spending 100% of the time with.
You are your most important life companion.
So you have to understand the importance of viewing yourself as valuable as anyone else. It might sound cliche but the only person who knows you best, and who can care of you best, is you.
Now, there are a couple of things that you need to be prepared for on your self love journey.
👎🏼 Self Love Disadvantages
These are controversial… They are disadvantages but, believe it or not, I actually see them as pros.
1. People May Call It “Arrogance”
Why? Because when you practice self love, you don’t give a damn about their opinions anymore.
Now, this would usually come from people you barely know.
Hopefully, no one from your inner circle says things like that to you. Because if they care about your well-being, they should be absolutely fine with you taking time for yourself, or setting boundaries, or celebrating your wins. (If they don’t, you guys need to have a serious conversation.)
So what about all the other people who believe that you are being selfish (when you are actually being in love with yourself 😌 ) and have the balls to express that (even if no one asked)?
Yes, that’s that exact disadvantage of self love right there. It might make you feel embarrassed, guilty (because it’s pure manipulation), or uncomfortable.
I’d say — let them be. They can say whatever they want. When they say things about you, they are talking about themselves anyway.
You just have to decide what your priorities are.
2. It Might Feel Lonely (spoiler: at first)
You are most likely going to lose some friends (“friends”).
Here’s why:
▪️ Jealousy
First of all, jealousy has never been canceled.
When you are glowing and shining from all the good feelings about yourself, people easily get jealous. What is it so special about you that you love yourself? Not everyone enjoys their own company, and I’m not even talking about self-acceptance.
▪️ Your Boundaries
Secondly, if you set boundaries, then toxic, narcissistic people feel threatened.
They will react aggressively, try to manipulate you, and make you feel guilty. They understand that they don’t “rule” your life anymore. You chose to have a choice, so you took that advantage from them.
▪️ You Are Moving On
And lastly, you are probably going to start growing rapidly.
Self love is a personal growth engine. When you love yourself, you start dedicating time to yourself, you start learning about yourself, you start appreciating yourself. You will probably start making different from your old decisions and choices, which may lead to some amazing life-changing experiences.
So you are going to leave some people behind. While you are moving on and leveling up, some of your friends might be staying the same year after year. I don’t think it’s good to be the same person at 25 as you were at 18. It means there is no movement, no progress. And very often, people around us could be the anchors dragging us down.
Although if you look at it again… Do you even want these people around? Maybe losing those “friends” is what you need to step up?
And let me tell you, very soon you are going to attract new friends — people who are full of self love, and therefore, full of love for others.
3. Self Love Is Hard
Well, it is indeed.
It needs a ton of practice, especially if you are not in a good place with it at the moment.
It needs time because any habit has to be engrained in your mind before it becomes automatic. It needs hours of journaling, exercises, meditations, self-talks, and deep thinking. And all that while the triggers keep flying around — people’s opinions, comments, your own mistakes and failures, patterns of behavior that you are used to, etc…
It’s also hard because if you are just halfway through your self love journey, and something overly bad or hurtful happens, it might throw you back to the first step. You might have to start over. Just because things sometimes happen, and we are just human beings, and we have no control over it.
Like any other great thing in this world, it needs time and effort. But it’s SO worth it!
And imagine how proud you’ll be of yourself once you start making progress. All the hard work is rewarded!
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💁🏻♀️ So Can Self Love Be Harmful?
The answer is NO. Given everything that was said above, there are no negative effects of self-love (again, unless you are confusing self-love with something else — narcissism, selfishness, etc.)
